Weirdness abounds still.  I am going to Great Falls, MT to drive my cousin, Katherine, back to Texas.  She doesn't drive well, has vision problems.  I can't believe I'm going to do this after the way she has treated me and her sister and Dennis, and the way she as talked to us and been a pain in the ass.  She is an Alcoholic and won't admit she has a drinking problem.  I went and brought her back and she is still not happy but she isnt a popsicle.  

 Good evening, and Merry Christmas 2022,

Here it is and all i can do is be sad because we are not welcome at our family's homes for several reasons:

Chris because he got into a physical altercation with is brotherinlaw, and is not welcome at their home anymore; I apparently called Jacob's soon to be ex-wife "fat" so I am not really welcome by sisterinlaw's children (he is getting divorced from this woman so who really cares now). 

My family is spread out and I don't want to invite myself to their celebrations.  I should but I don't have the heart to intrude.  I know they miss Joshua at this time of year as our last Christmas together was at Matt and Jeremy's in Dallas.  I still have guilt feelings about Josh's death and will probably always have them.  Jan & Leonard, I know want to be with Matt and the girls, however, they ALWAYS go to Lubbock to be with Jeremy's family.  I think that is shitty of them.  They could at least invite them for Christmas day.  Oh well.  I have enough to fret about without fretting about whether Jan & Leonard are being unfairly treated with their granddaughters at Christmas.

I can't say much, I have no children and should be the grandmother of several grandchildren but stupid me, made a stupid decision and I then was confronted with the information that I would NEVER have children of my own because at the ripe old age of 28, I went thru menopause.  So, this time of year I am confronted with the decision I made in 1984.  

I miss my parents.  I miss my mom so much.  I miss her more as she has only been gone 17 years, daddy has been gone since May 1980.  I want to talk to momma about so many things:  How depressed I was and the suicidal ideations I had because of the guilt of Joshua's death.  The medical crap going on with my spine/back and the usual aches and pains of getting older.  How much I wish I could have put her voice on a tape recording or saved a voice mail so I could hear her voice.  And I definitely wish I had a recording of daddy's voice.  I need to tell Matt, and Jake and Jess to get dad to call them and tell them I love you or something so that they have a recording of daddy's voice.

I am sure that Jacob won't have children so this branch of the "Cotton" family will die out as Jessica's children will be "White".  I am sorry that this will happen.  My father deserves to be remembered more than just a hiccup in long line.  I am sorry that I didn't have my child as I probably wouldn't have acknowledged the father (it was one of 2 men), and my child would have the surname of Cotton.  But that was not to be.  Oh well.  I hope that at some point Jessica's kids realize who their grandfather was and try to know him thru his photography (slides) he left us.

I would talk to mom about my disability and why we didn't get it fixed many years ago and why I didn't fix it when I had GREAT insurance.  Oh well....  I have decided to write a letter to Matt, Jake & Jess regarding the things to do after my death (and no, I don't want it to come any time soon-  I don't want to die, I want to be immortal if you want to know the truth but that won't happen).  Requests about remembering me since I have no one to remember me.  Asking them to please tell their kids and grandchildren about crazy Auntie Deana.  I hope they have good memories of me.  Sharing their recollections of things Gran spoke of about her things, our things.  Recalling our stories of Christmas' near and far.

Christmas -- so many spent not in the USA:  Egypt, Portugal, Houston, Adelaide, Mexico City, Jakarta, New Plymouth, Houston, Iola, San Antonio, Iola, Vidor.  I miss my family.   We had so much fun when the 5 of us were together.  But that is how life wanders -- people scatter like a dandelion being blown upon.  

December 26, 2022 and I have survived another Christmas without my family.  I miss Us.  and I have to blame myself for not keeping up with traditions that we may have had or starting new ones since momma died but I didn't.  

I will post this and start a new blog for the new year.  Yada yada yada.  Merry Christmas Y'all.