Another rant

 Well, brought cousin back from MT, but she is still blaming me for her problems.

Haven't had too bad of a time:

My back problems are always on top of my complain list.  I had surgery in February to alleviate pressure on nerves in my lower back; so now my right leg isn't numb, but i feel the pain since the leg isn't numb.  Cant walk very far or stand for very long.  Going to see the numbness doctor and try a round of shots in the spine for this pain.  If, as the first & second set of these shots didn't do the trick, this round of them don't work, then i will be resigned to pain for the remainder of my time.

Now, the good news.  My niece, Jessica, had a baby.  She is a mom!!!!  She had a little boy, Brady Andrew, and he is the cutest little guy.  I do hope she hurries up and has another and names him after my dad, her grandfather that she never knew.  

Because of the new life, I am updating our wills, not that Brady will be included, but we need to update where our money goes after we both pass and Chris does not want his 3 shitty nephews to get it.  So, if he passes away last, his great-niece will get 25% of his estate.  I have stipulated that Jessica gets all of Gran's jewelry, and that if I predecease Chris there are household items that get returned to Matt, Jake and Jess.  

I have had several run ins with people who then talk about me rather than confront me with their displeasure at something I have done or said.

The daughter of a good friend of Chris', he has known this girl all of her life, and me at least since her 18th birthday and her wedding.  So, fast forward, in September of 2021, the friend passes away and this daughter inherits $900K.  Well, this is nearly 2 years since his death and she can't see fit to get him a headstone for his grave?  So I send her a DM, I don't put it out there for all to see that she is a cheap bitch who only loved her dad for his money, I don't put it out there that she plays the victim at every turn and is so obsessed with her looks that she looks fake, I don't put out there that she is partially responsible for killing her sister during the pandemic because nobody in the family wanted to wear a mask, I don't point out that she is really just trash, but I do point out that "it is probably not my business but are you going to get a headstone for your dad" and she goes off on a long rant about how rude i was for not asking about her, or her kids, or the new house they live in, or all the other "victimhood" items she could find before saying it was none of my business.  That is fine, but I'm sure i'm not the only one of Roger's friends who would like to see him have a headstone.  What a shitty person his daughter turned out to be --- if in fact she is his daughter.....

I am doing my best to get our credit card paid off, but i'm sure at the end of the year I will need to pull some $$ from an IRA to pay it off.  I want to buy a new mobile home ---  If we can time this just right, and a little recession helps out, we might be able to do the 15yr mtg.  I am torn between a new house or going somewhere for 5/6 months every couple of years.  Afraid that when we come back the place will fall down around our ears, it is 23 years old.  So I will start working on him for a new house payment for 15 yrs, and get GAAP insurance, but at least we will be able to stay in our home until our last days here.  I need to start working on floorplans.

 Weirdness abounds still.  I am going to Great Falls, MT to drive my cousin, Katherine, back to Texas.  She doesn't drive well, has vision problems.  I can't believe I'm going to do this after the way she has treated me and her sister and Dennis, and the way she as talked to us and been a pain in the ass.  She is an Alcoholic and won't admit she has a drinking problem.  I went and brought her back and she is still not happy but she isnt a popsicle.  

 Good evening, and Merry Christmas 2022,

Here it is and all i can do is be sad because we are not welcome at our family's homes for several reasons:

Chris because he got into a physical altercation with is brotherinlaw, and is not welcome at their home anymore; I apparently called Jacob's soon to be ex-wife "fat" so I am not really welcome by sisterinlaw's children (he is getting divorced from this woman so who really cares now). 

My family is spread out and I don't want to invite myself to their celebrations.  I should but I don't have the heart to intrude.  I know they miss Joshua at this time of year as our last Christmas together was at Matt and Jeremy's in Dallas.  I still have guilt feelings about Josh's death and will probably always have them.  Jan & Leonard, I know want to be with Matt and the girls, however, they ALWAYS go to Lubbock to be with Jeremy's family.  I think that is shitty of them.  They could at least invite them for Christmas day.  Oh well.  I have enough to fret about without fretting about whether Jan & Leonard are being unfairly treated with their granddaughters at Christmas.

I can't say much, I have no children and should be the grandmother of several grandchildren but stupid me, made a stupid decision and I then was confronted with the information that I would NEVER have children of my own because at the ripe old age of 28, I went thru menopause.  So, this time of year I am confronted with the decision I made in 1984.  

I miss my parents.  I miss my mom so much.  I miss her more as she has only been gone 17 years, daddy has been gone since May 1980.  I want to talk to momma about so many things:  How depressed I was and the suicidal ideations I had because of the guilt of Joshua's death.  The medical crap going on with my spine/back and the usual aches and pains of getting older.  How much I wish I could have put her voice on a tape recording or saved a voice mail so I could hear her voice.  And I definitely wish I had a recording of daddy's voice.  I need to tell Matt, and Jake and Jess to get dad to call them and tell them I love you or something so that they have a recording of daddy's voice.

I am sure that Jacob won't have children so this branch of the "Cotton" family will die out as Jessica's children will be "White".  I am sorry that this will happen.  My father deserves to be remembered more than just a hiccup in long line.  I am sorry that I didn't have my child as I probably wouldn't have acknowledged the father (it was one of 2 men), and my child would have the surname of Cotton.  But that was not to be.  Oh well.  I hope that at some point Jessica's kids realize who their grandfather was and try to know him thru his photography (slides) he left us.

I would talk to mom about my disability and why we didn't get it fixed many years ago and why I didn't fix it when I had GREAT insurance.  Oh well....  I have decided to write a letter to Matt, Jake & Jess regarding the things to do after my death (and no, I don't want it to come any time soon-  I don't want to die, I want to be immortal if you want to know the truth but that won't happen).  Requests about remembering me since I have no one to remember me.  Asking them to please tell their kids and grandchildren about crazy Auntie Deana.  I hope they have good memories of me.  Sharing their recollections of things Gran spoke of about her things, our things.  Recalling our stories of Christmas' near and far.

Christmas -- so many spent not in the USA:  Egypt, Portugal, Houston, Adelaide, Mexico City, Jakarta, New Plymouth, Houston, Iola, San Antonio, Iola, Vidor.  I miss my family.   We had so much fun when the 5 of us were together.  But that is how life wanders -- people scatter like a dandelion being blown upon.  

December 26, 2022 and I have survived another Christmas without my family.  I miss Us.  and I have to blame myself for not keeping up with traditions that we may have had or starting new ones since momma died but I didn't.  

I will post this and start a new blog for the new year.  Yada yada yada.  Merry Christmas Y'all.

The Conservatives have to go

 I don't know what to feel about the overturning of Roe v Wade.  I have lived with my decision to terminate a pregnancy for over 40 years.  And now that option is not available to women as of today.  I am scared for my country, for my family, for me.  

My country is moving further and further to the right.  I feel that soon, probably 2024, we will be living in an authoritarian, white fascist, gun toting country.  I am so afraid that I will be persecuted as an enemy of the state because I am an avowed Democrat.  This move by the right just scares me.  I am glad I am at the end of my life because I don't think I would want to be living here if I were younger.  

This move by the socalled conservatives to move everything to conform to their moral code is beyond bad.  I have friends that as of today, I have cut out of my life.  If they call, I won't answer, if they text, I wont reply, if they come by, I won't answer the door.  These are friends I have had for 30 years, but they voted for the orange pussbucket and his ilk and they are proud of themselves and the havoc and chaos they have brought forward all in the name of moving this country back to 1880.  As such, I have no place in my life for people who think their moral code is to disseminated for all to follow.  I am worried for my nephew and his husband and their 2 daughters.  If these fanatics aren't stopped, his marriage and their adoptions will be null and void and those girls will be ripped away from their dads.  (I want to call my sister and tell her that her voting R all these years is about to ruin her family).  

I already have anxiety, insomnia, I worry about everything, so this worry about how the right and conservatives are destroying this country.  They will destroy everything until the Constitution is burned and we are looking into the eyes of the devil himself because the right/conservatives have burned the laws in favor of theocratic government.  

Please forgive the hit and miss subjects, but I can't get my mind to not go in 40 different directions.  I will have a hard time sleeping, at least for the foreseeable future.  

I want to move to a more BLUE state, but I don't want to give up this small plot of land, but if we move (rent a place) I want our belongings to be moved to a storage facility because I don't trust the dopeheads that have moved into the neighborhood.  I am so done with this state.  And I am worried about the erosion of my rights to my life, my privacy, my own moral standard.

Here we go; I have seen my brother and sister-in-law and made my amends to them. And it was accepted with such grace that I was and still am humbled.

I seem to have a much better relationship with my sister since my stay at her home and we discussed a lot of things that not only came up in therapy, but that I have wanted to know for a long time.

Politically, I am about to dump most of the local people that I call friends ---  I mean who the hell thinks the government should be responsible for the manufacture and distribution of baby formula. ?  And who the hell thinks the government has the power to set gas prices? Or oil prices?  These people who bitch that they don't want the government in their lives, telling them what to do, but when there is a national shortage due to supply chain problems, 1 company manufacturing from 1 plant, a near monopoly by said company on the manufacture, bacteria outbreak at said factory bringing production to a complete halt, hoarding by people at the beginning of the pandemic.  These are the reasons for baby formula shortages; the government has nothing to do with it.

Like the gas prices -- not one of these idiots say a f'ing thing about Chevron posting a $9,000,000,000.00 that is $9Billion PROFIT, NOT revenue, PURE PROFIT. But not a one of these ignorant sob's say anything about Chevron/XOM/Valero gouging the F&^% out of Americans.  Not one of them will be seen at the refinery gates protesting that.  But oh, oh, oh the government needs to do something about this --- LIKE WHAT?  The government doesn't set the price of oil or gas.  Why aren't they bitching to OPEC considering their boy, Jared, is such good buddies with MBS.  Maybe he can talk MBS into lowering the price of oil.?  But to blame or to place blame on government shows how much one doesn't know about how the government works.  

I have had it with these MAGA, right-wing nutjobs, hell even far right republicans, with all of them.  If they want God in our secular institutions, let them go live in Iran.  They have all kinds of theocratic institutions.  We don't need that crap here.

They want only white people to have anything--- like the people coming across the border.  I don't see these MAGA idiots wanting ANY of the jobs that illegals take.  I don't see white boys out in the hot sun on an August day fooling with rebar and concrete on a highway construction project. White boy is sitting in an air conditioned truck.  And when was the last time you saw a white girl cleaning a hotel room?  No, I'm not going to suffer these fools well.  They are such hypocrites and wont admit it.  

Here it is, April 2022, we survived the pandemic

My last post was in October of 2017, after Hurricane Harvey and all of its destruction. We got thru it, having to buy me a new vehicle, a 2017 Buick Encore, and although it isn't my Cadillac but I do like it. In December of 2017 I was granted SS Disability and have not worked since June 2016. I guess I am officially retired now. After a year on Disability, I was entered and started receiving Medicare benefits. My first visit to my new doctor I informed him of my depression and that I had considered self harm several times in the 14 yrs I have been suffering from it. I was disappointed in myself, my marriage, the guilt from my nephews death, the death of my mother, the general feeling of disappointment in my life choices and just generally mad at the fucking world. In December 2018, he sent me to group therapy; He also sent me to my neurologist who said he was glad to see me again but that until I was in better physical shape he couldn't do anything for my spine. Therapy was THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE FOR MYSELF. Within 3 months, several friends remarked at how my attitude had changed, how my voice seemed cheerier (?). I continued therapy until January 2020 so I was in it for a year. And I have a way to get out of my "black hole", a skill to put things in perspective, a ladder to get out. I can be sad without it overwhelming me and making me think things that shouldn't be thought. In February I was supposed to start getting my teeth fixed, after 40yrs of smoking, it wasn't going to be easy or cheap. Then the pandemic hit in February 2020. So for the rest of 2020 we stayed home, if we went anywhere we wore masks. It got to where Chris wouldn't even go to the grocery store with me and at the beginning he had me strip out of those close and shower before coming inside. Neither of us have caught it but we have had several friends and relatives succumb to that horrible disease. We are vaxed, 1st boost and will be getting the 2nd booster this week. So, during us being cooped up, we decided to move to ------ Las Vegas in 2021, at least temporarily, for hurricane season. So late summer 2020, we did a little fiddling with finances and presto, we had a 6mth lease at Gramercy Parc Apts, on E. Tropicana Ave, Las Vegas, NV. The apt was 3.2 miles from MGM at the corner of Tropicana and LV Blvd. I had a good time, but Chris didn't want to do anything. I met some very nice I got up one morning and drove out to Valley of Fire NP, and although I didn't have the right shoes or enough water to really explore, me and the dog had a good time. Another morning, I left and went to Barstow, CA. When we crossed the state line, I told the dog, "We're in Californy". lol Another morning, I drove about 1/2 way to Ely. We were supposed to drive up to Tahoe, but the forest fires and smoke were very bad up there and we didn't need to add to the chaos of an emergency or evacuation. I would lay at the pool 2hr a day, and got tanned as F%^K. The dog enjoyed it,and although we lived upstairs, she didn't mind them. I would carry her to the cool spot when we would go for her 3pm walk because by then the concrete was HOT HOT HOT. I miss the weather, but I don't miss the 20% added to everything in the prices because of just getting to Las Vegas. We paid our October rent but we left on the 18th to come home. I had flown back during the summer and the outside AC unit was kaput. So, when we got back, $2200 for a new AC outside unit. Oh, and we now have a family of crackheads living in the neighborhood. Working with local LE to get these idiots out. The holidays came and went without barely being noticed. I am now on the real road to getting my teeth fixed; right now I am missing several "smile adjacent" teeth and look bad so I try to wear a mask. My next appt is May 3 and that should be the beginning of getting a partial bridge for my top teeth, but i should be able to get 2 implants for the bottom back missing ones. So we are staying in Texas this year due to inflation, apartment rental increase and we need to be here because of the dopeheads stealing anything not tied down. We had our annul meeting with our financial lady and we are doing very good for having started saving VERY LATE in our life. But if we live until 90, we will leave our descendants over $500,000. I told her if I live that long, I'm spending that $$$$. We did celebrate our 25th anniversary last year. I wanted to go on a cruise to Alaska, but due to COVID and being in a closed environment he didn't want to do that, so the move to Vegas. I am thinking we might go somewhere this summer, drive up to Montana, but he doesn't seem interested. I am going to another JES reunion in September. Otherwise, Life is Good. Vote Democrat.

Where do I begin.... It started out as a pretty good spring: Chris and I went to Colorado (Pueblo/Colorado Springs), and had a wonderful time. He got snippy with me one time and I said to him: "You are not even supposed to be on this trip. Either get in a good humor or start walking. You told me to "get my own fucking ticket", so buddy, either get with my program or get your own fucking ticket home." About 20 minutes later, he was a happy camper. Then in May, I went with my cousin to Yellowstone N.P.... what a wonderful trip. Yes we bickered, and were disappointed with aspects of the trip (mostly with each other) but I had a wonderful time and would do it again with her in a heartbeat. Then in mid-August, a friend invited me to go to West Texas (Dryden, TX) with her--- to a private ranch on the Pecos River. It was one of the best "do nothing" trips I've been on. Then 2 days later, this same friend and I took off for an "adult" weekend in Trinidad, Colorado. We legally purchased and partook of the wares, and had a really relaxing 3 days. She needed it more than me, as she has 2 granddaughters to run after--- but we had a GREAT time! then on the 24th of August, a Jackass name Harvey showed up ----- and it rained 52" in 96 hrs. I am still processing the stress and the magnitude of 52" of rain ---- Our home did not take on water, except for the water coming in from the roof and down the window frame. I spent the night of the 29th running towels to and from the dryer to keep up with the rain. On Wednesday morning, at 5AM, when the power went off, I told Chris that I was going to bed. When I woke up, 4 hrs later, I could not even look out of the windows because I had seen the water rising about 3am. We left the house, with the dogs--- left the cats here with food--- and went to oberlin, la for the night (only place that would take pets). We came back here Friday, and went to his mother's house--- they were getting a generator so we would at least have fans and the 'fridge. Saturday, Chris' BIL (in the BIL's high jeep) were able to get back into the neighborhood (barely), and on Sunday afternoon, we were able to get to the house and asses damage, feed cats, etc. 6inches of rain in the pool room, and lots of stuff ruined ---- ESPECIALLY MY CADILLAC!!!!!!! I have had to declare a total loss on the vehicle. I worked hard to afford that SUV; I worked hard to find the LAST car I would want to buy. And look what happens ----- if I had moved it 40ft., I wouldn't need a vehicle. Then, on the 24th of Sept, Chris goes to investigate a cat commotion in the front yard, and finds a pit bull mix with my cat Pope in his mouth ---- needless to say, Chris had to euthanize my cat --- I have NEVER WISHED OR WANTED HARM to come to an animal but I want that dog DEAD!!!!! Then, after only getting $1000 for the adjacent structure, nothing for contents, and $5M for the roof/window/floor, Chris wakes me up telling me that he needs to go to the hospital --- we go, and he had umbilical hernia repair surgery ------ WE HAVE NO INSURANCE!!!!!!!!! Did I mention that I am already severely depressed, and I am awaiting an examination for a SSI Disability physical exam next week (Scoliosis, Disk Degenerative, Spinal Stenosis, right hip planed up). So there have been several times in the past 6 weeks where I have SERIOUSLY considered doing myself harm --- but I stop, and remember whose daughter I am, I straighten the crown my father told me I wore, and move on to the next thought. The thought is there! I am also worried that if I am awarded SSID, and I have the 3 surgeries that will straighten my spine, open it up and generally make me NOT have pain, that I will be dead inside of a year like my mother. She had lower spine surgery in April 2004, in October 2004 she couldn't open her hand to release her cigarette case, in December 2004 she was diagnosed with ALS, and March 12, 2005 she was dead. I watched my mother die in pain and there was nothing I could do about it ---- I don't want to be dead in a year!!!!! I miss my daddy!!! I remember sitting in his lap.... his smell, his whiskers, his hands, the hair on his chest, on the knuckles of his fingers ---- i sure wish i could sit in daddy's lap!!! I miss my momma!!! I remember sitting in her lap, and I was 30 years old. I remember her laugh, the way her hand "threw" a domino, and held a cigarette, her smell, the look she could give if you weren't acting right. I miss my parents!!! I just wish someone missed me --- My husband could careless about me and my emotional well being, as long as his needs are being met and someone else is footing the bill. He never misses and opportunity to make sure I know that he isn't working and likes it that way. It's like I never run thru his mind unless he needs something or something has upset his apple cart. We will be married 21 years later this month and although I am further along than I was when we met, I could already have been here and overshot it by 1000 if I wouldn't have stayed married to Chris. Even living in this shithole part of Texas. I do love my husband, do not think that I don't.